The Next 6 months...
During this time I did something I'd never bothered doing before. I sat still and stopped trying to quickly figure everything out.
I remember my sister telling me that I just needed to be patient and things would fall into place.
This was during a frustrated phone call in the car (in the gym parking lot - go figure) where I nearly hung up and burst into tears. I was irritated at the thought of not "actively" trying to solve this HUGE earth shattering issue I'd had FOREVER! "She just doesn't get it! I NEED TO MAKE SH*T HAPPEN!"
"Make sh*t happen." That was pretty much my motto from the time I was 18 until present day. Maybe the problem is that I force things into existence and then get irritated when they don't go how I'd like them to.
Was THAT it!?
Sure was. I started thinking completely outside my usual panicky, "find-a-solution-quick" way of thinking, and started to let my mind go wherever it wanted with my problem without jumping into action at the first poorly-constructed solution.
At first it felt like I was giving up.
Then slowly, my depression time periods started to subside and I could think clearly a bit more. I think it was around the 9th month in (after the brick wall), where I realized I missed being creative.
I was so focused on getting the job I always wanted and "working on myself" that I forgot how much I loved having a creative outlet.
Call me crazy but I used to enjoy writing essays in school (lol - I know, right?...).
I didn't want to spend my free time writing essays, but I thought maybe somehow I could combine a hobby of mine with creative writing...hmmm
I started a little blog on a website I no longer have and began writing little posts about general workout tips and health tricks.
Fun, but that didn't really hit the nail on the head...
Along with rediscovering my creative side, I was starting to become more aware my my true emotional and mental state.
During my years of forcing things to happen, I'd created a bunch of limiting beliefs and stories that I thought I had to believe.
The 1 year point...
I little over a year ago, I decided to "treat myself" and start working on my mental health more intentionally.
I used to always tell myself that when I made "X" amount per year or got promoted to "X" position, I'd let myself relax and focus more on my mental health and well-being.
The issue is very clear now that I'm saying it out loud, but at the time, I thought it only made sense.
After all, who has time to slow down and focus on something other than the next step up on the corporate ladder? Not me. That's how you get distracted and mess up all that hard work. Snooze. Fest.
As I began diving into the wonderful world of self-care for mental health, I began to see that my approach toward success wasn't as solid as I thought it was.
Since I love writing, I quickly fell in love with journaling and it helped me get an outside look into my own problems! This was where things began to get life-changing...